Happy...or just new, year.

I used to be the type that would make resolutions, talk about how 'bad' or 'good' a year was, as it comes to an end.  The past few years, but especially this one, have changed that.  I look back at 2011, and see the positive and negative as exactly what they are (or were).  Simply events that occur in a life.  The possibility of foreclosure looming, no steady work in sight, debts from a divorce reaching critical mass with no way to satisfy them, these are the things that I wish were not happening to me, yet I know I am not alone in my problems, and experience and my limited scope of wisdom that I have acquired has taught me that I will survive them, somehow.  These are offset by the joy of each day spent with my daughter, who is the love of my life, being in love with my partner, and being happy to the best of my ability.  Which for me can mean utter bliss one day, and the desire to crawl under a rock and die the next.  I know I am not alone in these circumstances either.  Life, and nature, are in flux, constantly and forever morphing, changing, controlled chaos that extends and manifests in all.  I am just here for that ride.  There is no place I would rather be.  Happy New Year.

What is so frightening about being 40?  Take a look at TMZ or Twitter, and you realize how age-obsessed a huge swath of the population is.  The truth is, when I turned 40, there was no 'I'm 40' freak out.  There was no rush to the mirror, checking for new lines on my face, no pulling at the gray hairs that have been creeping in for some time now.  There was a feeling that perhaps I should be doing this things, as some of my friends suggested, but alas, looking back, all I felt was a sense of relief.  The Dirty Thirties were over.  And I was finally getting all of the mud out from under my nails.  My thirties were a cesspool, nasty divorce, nasty physical and mental abuse perpetrated by myself and others I loved, and nasty addictions.  The only obvious beacon of the entire decade was the birth of my daughter, but amazingly, from the rest of the filth that I thought would suffocate me came a hidden, divine light that I never thought possible.  At 40, I was finally able to recognize this light.  I came to see what is possible, and what I am capable of.  I finally feel as though I fit in somewhere, and where I fit in is within myself. What a revelation.